Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
please come you make the beer taste better
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
