Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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