My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
