she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
