Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
