In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
