then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Bring me that man meat
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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