I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
