someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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