"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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