I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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