3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
