Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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