Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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