So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
