in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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