I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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