Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
