Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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