New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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