i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
