Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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