Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
