Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
