Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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