I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Randomize
