How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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