i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
