please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
