My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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