he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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