I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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