i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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