I wanna passion pit in your ass
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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