i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
