Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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