She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
