if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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