Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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