when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
