I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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