I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
