Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
