The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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