I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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