Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
