So drunk, too bad you don't want this
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
