Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
