Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
