you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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